I have been in a constant state of motion since my arrival home from the hospital. I am five days post-op and today my energy levels have finally crashed. While I knew I would have to be somewhat still following surgery, I didn't realize I would have so much trouble doing so - both by my own fault and just by necessity. It has taken time to get my husband and then the temporary nanny accustomed to the boys' routines and yesterday was a whirlwind, showing her around and dealing with the kids' cabin fever after a rainy weekend!
Went to the doctor to get my incisions checked and I appear to be healing up just fine, but I do need to slow down today and for a couple more. I will spend the afternoon napping and daydreaming about snazzy new shirts.
I have planned to do this for nearly 20 years. My originals arrived early and fast and during the already confusing and mortifying time that is adolescence. Before I got boobs, I wanted them desperately. My friends and I took our cues from "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret" by Judy Blume, doing ridiculous chicken wing exercises and reciting our mantra: "We must, we must, we must increase our busts..." I had no idea what I was in for. I went from nothing in about grade four to a full C by early grade seven, and they just kept growing. The sexual harrassment that accompanied the much-desired attention from the boys at school was confusing and shaming, and aside from my closer friends the girls were often unkind too...There was even a teacher who participated, mostly by laughing along with the guys when they made their rude remarks. When I finally went to a guidance counselor for help, the school administration treated my situation like their own personal Jerry Springer show.
"You GRABBED her breasts, ______?" The principal demanded, as my one physical harrasser and I sat next to one another in her office. Her beady eyes shone and I could tell she was enjoying his discomfort and my own. He responded, almost proudly, that yes, he had. In fact, he had been approaching me from behind in the hallways between classes, grabbing my breasts and lifting/shaking my entire body up and down while he copped a feel and impressed his friends, who frequently would cheer him on. I tolerated this for about two years before seeking help. Thinking that I wouldn't be allowed to date, ever, I had not told my parents what was going on. When I demanded that the principal and counselor not inform them of my complaint, these "educators" actually agreed to keep it quiet. With the twisted logic of a fourteen year-old girl, I felt that was best. Obviously, now I see that I should have sought the guidance of my folks, or at least stood up and defended myself - at about a foot taller than my perpetrator I could easily have put him out of commission had I the skill or wherewithall...But I just didn't have the self-respect or courage. The risk to my social "freedom" was too high. Ha!
After allowing us to return to class, the principal came to our door and demanded that ALL of the boys return with her to the gym. She purportedly interrogated them there, during which time I received dirty looks from my female classmates for snitching on the boys - for abuse I clearly deserved - and when they returned I was called back to her office a last time. She eyed me judgementally; told me the boys had said I liked the way they spoke to me. As though I could seriously be guilty of wanting to hear, every day, in every class, about the shape of my body and the gross way in which it reflected my character. As if their open discussion of my physicality was not a violation of my privacy but a right they all had. I assured her that no, I did not enjoy their abuse, and she said something about how it shouldn't happen again, which really meant that she'd addressed the issue technically, and I should really just shut up about it and move on.
CLEARLY, this was a time during which my confidence was lacking. If I could go back and handle it anew...I would put the little bugger on the ground in an all-out tackle - screw the feminine wiles - and made sure all of my peers understood that to mess with me again would result in pain. I would have gotten a job, started running, made other friends, and stopped having time for the jerks at all. A good lesson here is that adolescents need hobbies, and pals outside of their school circles. Allowing their locker-side social interactions to become their primary focus is no way to encourage autonomy.
I am stronger for it all, though. It's true. My excessive natural endownments have encumbered me at times, but they also fed my children and accompanied me through every step of my crazy life. Before I went to sleep the night prior to surgery, I took a moment and thanked them. I was completely ready to let them go, but I felt I owed them that.
My boobs afforded me a learning curve in my life (sorry, awful pun) which has resulted in my being someone who knows herself well. I know what I will tolerate from others and what I will not. It is of high priority that I not waste time with people who ooze disrespect or negativity. I am a role model to my boys, and they will choose the people in their lives as I choose the ones in mine. If I am to do good and be good for those I love, I need to make choices that allow for that. Full stop.
At an H cup (give or take - when you're that big you don't really know for sure) post-childbirth, I was suffering from back and neck pain and feeling utterly disheartened about my figure. I felt matronly and like I was hauling around udders, not moving comfortably about with a regular pair of breasts. I would have the surgery again in a heartbeat. I feel great. I feel sexy again, even while stuffing my bra with gauze. Exausted, recovering...but ready to take on the world and buy some new clothes!
Check out the following link for a glimpse of how I feel about my new ones (obviously, excepting the part at the very end, when Mary Louise spots the ominous mafia thug) ~
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The surgery was a great success from what I can tell so far. I had photos to show my surgeon beforehand thanks to a woman I met on the breasthealthonline.org site who gave me permission to use them. Her befores were a lot like mine and she had a great result. My surgeon looked at them closely and agreed it was a good goal so I felt we were on the same page going in. When she examined me afterwards she said it looked like I would get the results I wanted, and that everything seemed pretty symmetrical. Only time will tell and I am definitely sore and groggy from all the anasthetics and painkillers in my system, but I am SO happy I did this. I wasn't expecting to be so pleased because I was pretty fearful going in, but if I can manage to heal up properly I think I will be thrilled with the results.
It will be a little while before I can start shopping by I will be sure to post pictures when I find something wonderful that I couldn't have worn before. I am so excited!
Posted by Samantha Agar at 8:45 PM
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
This one is particularly beautiful. I love the colour and the little bumps on the bottom. I want to collect many like this, drill little holes through their tops, install chandelier bulbs inside them, come up with some sort of industrial rig to hang them on, and use the fixture over the island in my kitchen. Maybe I'm crazy but I think it could be very cool. It's a good thing I have about a year to figure it out and collect all the pieces. I also saw some old glass boat buoys in a similar colour in a magazine, which could have similar potential.
On another note...I have two more sleeps before the big operation. I have kept verrry busy organizing and cleaning my home and getting meals put in the freezer for recovery week(s), taking care of the kids and so on...so while I have been feeling increasingly afraid of the actual surgery I have managed not to think about it in excess. Knowing me, I will just be drifting away to the land of the great sedative when I decide "I can't do this! They're going to cut me up!" I will go to leap off the gurney and run for the hills, only to realize that I can't move because hey, I'm asleep...zzz...
I have given this many years of thought, though, and think it's for the best. I am ready to get rid of the back and neck pain, improve my posture and go running without having to wear two bras! Ha. I was pointed to a fantastic website by a friend of a friend - thank you Robyn! - which I must highly recommend: http://www.breasthealthonline.org/ and will include in my list of links. It is essentially an online forum for women like me who are going to have breast reductions, augmentations, tummy tucks etc., or have had them already. There are nurses and other health professionals as well who give advice and respond to questions, and Annette, the woman who runs it, is amazingly present all over the conversation boards, and full of amazing information.
This may be my last entry before I go in on Friday morning. Wish me luck and I will report back on how I am feeling...
Posted by Samantha Agar at 9:05 PM